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...i want your eyes fixed on me, so i can watch them as you scream.

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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
4:11 pm - this had to be public!
i'm hot

current mood: hot
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
1:16 pm
i need to stop this self-destructive behavior. i don't feel like myself or at least, who i thought i was. maybe that's a good thing.

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Monday, May 24th, 2004
4:30 pm - I'm sexy.
[Updated: 7-28-04]

I guess this is friend's only. Don't shat, it's not like you can't read my previous entries and get a good idea of who I am, although I've changed tremendously since then. You should add me so we can be best buddies forever and ever, amen.

current mood: chipper

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Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
2:56 pm - Sunday bloody Sunday.
I don't want any drama!! I love the people I was friends with, I love the people I am friends with. I just want people to be happy, even if I'm not part of their happiness. I just want to concentrate on my life and eventually move out of the Bay Area.

I'll end with this... This is the best thing EVER!!

current mood: blank

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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
1:53 pm - Zantrex 3 anyone?

ROFLRFOLROFLRFOROFL inside joke!! Okay I am going to hang out with Heather B. I love her! Ahahahaha TO TEARS IN A BUCKET!!

current mood: giggly

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Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
11:37 pm - It's always been up to you.. It's turning around, it's up to me.
I've never been so unlonely in my entire life and there isn't one person in my life that I have any romantic interest in and I'm loving this feeling. It's so settling and profound to actually be in control of my own damn happiness. It doesn't depend on one single person, nobody. I accomplished a lot today, gained a massive amount of self-confidence, hung out with an old friend since 5th grade, told some random dude he was hot, worked out and I had a blast. It's so freeing to just be happy to be alive and not happy because of someone else or something else and it's especially rejuvenating not to need anything to make me happy besides what is within my power to obtain on my own.

How many people can say they know what this is like? And this time last month I wanted to end it all and I never believed I'd be happy again but as I look back and more importantly look forward, I am so invigorated and honestly, more happy than I ever was. This happiness is real and it is permanent because I made it happen for myself and no one else.

I want to spread this feeling, I want to make people happy.

current mood: rejuvenated; happy

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Monday, May 17th, 2004
7:14 pm - ..And I wanna believe you when you tell me that it will be okay.
My mom is stressing me out!! She keeps mentioning moving out of state -- Las Vegas. I don't know what to do. I want to move to Los Angeles (Burbank) and if she moves out to Las Vegas, well I think I'll attempt to make it on my own. How insane.. Can you imagine ME living on my own? I think I'd make it, I also think I need to be on my own, I am too dependent on my mom. Partly by choice but mostly because I've grown up that way where she's done everything for me and all I gotta do is ask and stuff gets done or taken care of for me. I need to get some independence... More than just going to the doctor by myself or calling Comcast when the cable is fucked up haha.

I have so much shit on my plate, of stuff I want to do and a lot of it takes money which I will have soon but now I gotta think about saving to move on my own. WTF!!! Oh well... I'll probably end up moving to Sin City with her. I'll be sinning like a mother!! :D

current mood: worried

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Sunday, May 16th, 2004
3:07 pm - I love Avril Lavigne.
Fag is my new favorite word and I know it's a bad word but I love saying it. Everyone is being a fag lately, you fags. Everyone is pissing me off but it isn't me, it's them. This week is going to be full of new things and Jennifer is going to be in town so I get to see her finally, yay!! I don't even remember the last time I saw her before she went to San Diego!

Okay so now I am supposed to go and bail Greg out of jail with Simone...? Okay? Whatever, this is that fag Paco's fault. He's racist, yet he has a ghetto booty and he bashed someone's window in when he and Greg were drunk and me and Simone were walking up my street. I SAW IT! I didn't know he broke the window though! The lesson learned here is that being a drunk Mexican racist with a ghetto booty and bashing your skateboard into someone's windshield is bad.

current mood: annoyed

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Saturday, May 15th, 2004
4:46 pm - If you don't give a damn don't throw it up!
I'm starting to like rap :x

Anyway so Friday night was really interesting, or shall I say the whole day!!! I love hanging out with Simone + people. I think I am coming out of my shell more or something, maybe I'm just horny. I don't know what is up with me heh. We hung out with lots of different people and although I didn't get laid (hahaha) I still had fun and shit.. I didn't go to bed until 3:30ish eep! (This entry was written the other day but I saved it and I am finally posting it hahaha)

I don't know, I just feel really different these days, a good different. I feel stronger and more able to confront things and do things. It's a good feeling and sometimes I do feel down but it goes away fast. I don't want to act like I am always feeling great but I feel great a lot more than I don't these days. It helps to have great people in my life weeeeeeeeee.

Oh and snap, I have a new crush and I think he's hot.. Well I always thought he was interesting, I mean I see him almost everyday but I was shy... WAS :) And that Adam dude, let me tell you... YUCK. Yuck from day one but then I let him loose because he's 26 and he called me a spazz. I don't take shit from anyone. I'm no spazz, I was just heavy on some Zantrex 3. He's just mad because I didn't want to come over and ''have a drink'' I'm no ho. I stayed on the phone for 2 hours with my friend John whom I am in love with but it will never be. Even if I/we want it so bad, we're just good friends. I wish he wouldn't have moved before me and Aaron broke up, I wish he would've moved after.. Oh well.

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Friday, May 14th, 2004
Okay so today was random as fuck! Today being May 13th hahaha. 13 is my number, I am telling you. Okay so for starters I hung out with Christopher and we had a merry time antiqueing on Park Street!! I soo loved that store, too bad we couldn't stay long. We need to go back asap!! Then I almost killed us like a million and 5 times while driving hahaha... It was crazy having Mary, Maitland, Liz and Chris in the car, especially after Maitland was screaming and after he hit me on the head I was like I'm out!! I was also tripping out on Zantrex 3 because all I had today was Zantrex 3 and Otter Pops haha. (I'm still SO loopy!) I felt so crazy today and I haven't worked out in 2 days yuck!! Okay so anyway Chris left and I picked up my mom at work and then we went to the mall but then Simone called me while I was at the Wherehouse and so I went home and we hung out with Greg and drove around for hella days then we had so much fun because we went to the mall again because her wonderful cousin Heather works at the Beauty Center (she's so fun) and we played in there for hella long. Greg made a fatty mess with the glitter and he put glitter all over my ass...It was quite festive. Then we all put make up on and looked all sexy!! After awhile we stood outside and waved at that Austin kid who is kind of hot and talked to the security guard. Then we drove off and I dropped those crazy kids off and I went home for a sec. Then I went down to Heather's house and we all sat around talking and having a good time minus any swearing!! Then we test drove a nice ass Volvo and for some odd reason I had my hand on Greg's leg but I so not attracted to him in that way so I was like WEIRD OOPS!! I am so wired. Okay so after that was when it all went floopy because we went back to Heather's and her dad(step?) the dude gave us ice cream (LOW CARB AND IT WAS GOOD) with a bit of alcohol in it and yeah I'm not a drinker so that shit made me even nuttier especially since I am Zantrex'd out haha. So I go home because my mom needed the car but then she didn't need it for a few minutes so I hopped online, I talked to that Adam dude (Simone's buddy!) and while I was talking to him Simone called and told me she was leaving Heather's so I went, picked her and Greg up and drove them home. Then I went and met Adam and we drove around in my car for 5 minutes. At first he was kind of weirded out by me because I am so fucking hyper but now he wants to hit it because he said I am cute and sexy which I am, no shit!! So I might hit it with him but I'd like to get to know him. I get weird when a guy likes me but when I like a guy, it feels more natural for me and I'm not shy about it. I got this slut shit all backwards hahaahah.. So oh my God, today was nuts and it didn't help that I am so hyped and flipping out. I should've ate more today but I wasn't really hungry and I was going at like 100 miles an hour in my mind but trying to be calm on the outside haha. Oh and that Egly guy leaves much to be desired. I am so sorry for almost killing us at Wine Cellars Christopher!!! Ok I need to go take a sleeping pill so I will finally settle the fuck down.

current mood: CRAZY

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
11:46 pm - I love this.
    I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone.

current mood: devious

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6:25 pm - Just a rant :)
I'm feeling highly annoyed with people giving me attitude when all I do is go around and do shit for people and fucking go out of my way and fucking give and give. Well fuck everyone 'cause no one else does shit for anyone but you can always depend on Ebony to fucking do everything to make you happy. The minute I start to act bitchy, it's like OH LET'S FORGET EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR YOU. GOD FORBID I FUCKING ACT LIKE A BITCH ONE TIME OUT OF FIFTY. I'm sick of being nice to people, I want to be a fucking rabid bitch. I'm too fucking nice!

current mood: irate

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Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
4:45 pm - Nasty. Thy name is Ebony
While having a conversation with Denise hahahahaha. Our conversations are always great.

A quote:

sex ebony up (4:43:14 PM): the only time i wanna see blood when i'm fucking is if it's super rough and he punches me in the face rofl

True story.

current mood: sick

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1:44 pm - Fuck critics, you can kiss my whole asshole.
I wish I wasn't so tired. There are things I want to do today but I feel so groggy and gross. I want to go take pictures outside of different things but all I can think about is falling back to sleep. I hate this feeling... I shouldn't have went back to sleep this morning but I had to wake up at 7 and I didn't fall asleep until 2..

Anyway!!! Yay!! Shits turned around and I found out some good news today. Yay me!! Goooo me!! My mom also has good news, some dude asked her out. Okay that's like 3 to my zero haha. My mom is a P-I-M-P. I can only manage casual sex but she's pulling dudes like whoaaaaa. Holla hahaha! The next dudes on my list I want to conquer are RN and NB :D Initials of course, I can't reveal them until I hit it haha. I'm such a horny bastard.

Simone this song doesn't touch me or make me want to cry. Where are you anyway? I wanna photograph you bitch!!

current mood: exhausted

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Saturday, May 8th, 2004
12:13 am - I have decided that I love Snoop and we're going to get married haha. Yesssss!!!
Today was a fun + eventful day with Ryan and Chris up in The Rich!! I love those guys!! It's going to be weird when Chris is gone. I am so excited for Monday, you have nooooooooooo idea. I'll report on it when I get home Monday :)

I have nothing to say but I am updating anyway. I feel pretty happy right now. I found this sticker Aaron had given me awhile ago. I'm going to put it in the box with all his other stuff. I don't know what I will do with the box in the future. Maybe show it to my kids and tell them about Aaron. It feels weird to talk about him or think about him though I rarely do. It's like he's dead and he might as well be ya know. It's like he's a memory and slowly all memories fade or they get to where you think about it but you don't get a vivid picture in your mind and you stop thinking about it altogether. I am happy with the way things are right now, my only regret is how it ended. It took me about 2 weeks to fully comprehend and get over it which is fast I think but now I am happy to have some peace of mind over the whole thing and I can't believe I'm moved on and actually content. It really does help to pray and stuff, I've said it countless times but that is because it's so true. I don't know.. I just have so many thoughts and questions about my future and I always look at my past and mull over it but the past doesn't provide me with answers, just valuable lessons.

I shall end this now, 'cause Chris is bugging me about my domain and I'm going to go change it.

Okay so I changed my so-called website that I've never done anything with. There is music to go along with the picture. I love that song <3 Czech it out yo! Here

current mood: awake

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Friday, May 7th, 2004
9:35 am - Single black female addicted to retail
I don't have much on the brain lately except sexsexsex.

I realized last night that I can't really say anything in my life is overwhelmingly horrible. I was at a place last night for over 3 hours, I made $75 but a fat chunk of it is going to bills, so sad :(

I shall make a list of stuff I must have!

    All The Things Ebony Wants:

  • Keds

  • Tattoo

  • Left lip piercing

  • Black hoodie

  • M.A.C. eyeshadow

  • Hair straigtening stuff

  • Hatebreed hoodie

  • Terror hoodie

  • 1998 Volvo

  • New lip ring

  • New sunglasses

  • Mini weights

So far that's all I can think of. I'll probably add more stuff I need/want. I think I am buying like 2 things off of there out of the whole list hahaha. I'll have money soon so you better believe I am buying everything on that list.

I would speak of my yearning for sex some more but it's all I think about so why write it down hahaha.. mmmm yeah.

current mood: horny

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Thursday, May 6th, 2004
9:45 am - How long will this high last?
Wow. There's so much I want to say but I'll say this. I've changed so much in the past month and even with all the shit I've had to go through at the hands of someone else, I've still come out strong and rejuvenated. I've become what I never thought I'd be and I've accomplished stuff I never would've awhile ago. I could never go back to the way things were now and I never will, I don't want to. Some people refuse to believe that my life is actually pretty damn good and they want to think they will play a role in fucking it up but they won't. I've made shit happen on my own without the help or harm of anyone else and I'm impassioned. I wish everyone could feel this way but a lot of people are so unhappy they have to try to make other people unhappy to make themselves feel good. They try and try unsuccessfully but you think they'd be happy enough to move on with their lives. I'm glad I am happy and content enough to move on and not look back. Last night was proof to me that I am a different person and the person I was in the past isn't anyone I ever want to be again. I've come too far and I only want to get better.

I'm not trying to say that one experience validates my whole existence but I gained some clarity and insight into who I am and my limits as a person. I truly feel like in the past weeks, I've grown so much as a person and as a girl. I never thought I'd gain so much from losing something. I just can't be angry or hurt, or hold anything against anyone because I've bounced back and there's no time to hate anyone.

Everything happens for a reason. Believe it.

current mood: rejuvenated

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12:53 am - A M A Z I N G
I won't tell many IF ANY people the details of tonight but all I have to say is that May 5th, 2004 was one of the best most unexpected nights of my life. I don't know who to thank for this but who ever made it happen, I am eternally grateful. 'Tis all.

It's good to have secrets

current mood: I'm not telling
Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
8:58 am - Every bone in my body will ache until I destroy everything you love
Hatebreed is at the Fillmore tonight and I'm missing it because I have no one to go see them with me. Fuck that. I should go alone but I don't have the balls. I wish I had more friends who liked that type of music.

Today while driving I put it on a classical radio station. It was cool because I felt like I was in a video game or a movie as I listened to the music and watched the cars. I put my bestest buddies in my interests haha. My friends do interest me :P

I'm in a romantic mood today and I don't know why. Sometimes I feel so much hope in me that it makes me want to cry for no reason. I just hope for so much and although it hasn't happened yet, that hope makes me strong. Sometimes I feel like I am flying or my head is above my body, it's weird... it's probably just me being tired.

I'm going to get my hair straightened today, I guess I am happy about it. I kind of regret the Tim thing because I'm really fucking horny lately, to the point where my sexual frustration has caused me to feel depressed hahaha. I'm glad in a way I'm not depressed over something serious but dammit, being horny all the time is a pain in the ass. I'd even take it up the ass right about now ha! Talk about honesty.

current mood: chipper

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
5:27 pm - A tiny Tim update.
So I called Tim and told him that I don't know about us. I feel like I need to concentrate on my life right now and I don't have time for another boy.. I want to put all my energy into my job, working out, school (next semester) and all the other stuff I want to do. I think I made a good decision. As much as I like getting some, that can and will wait!! Anal Cunt made a song that's pretty funny for this situation. :P

Chris where the fuck are ya? Your mom called me wondering where you are.... eeep!

current mood: busy

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